Forgiveness is probably one of the most misunderstood concepts in today's society. Many of us hold on to our hurts like battle wounds; badges we wear to announce to the world “I am damaged.” These badges are known as the great scarlet “D.”
What we have to do is rediscover what forgiveness is. In order to do this, we must first tackle what it is not. Forgiving is not condoning the bad behavior, or trusting the trespasser. It does not mean you are welcoming yourself to be the proverbial doormat, making you susceptible to more abuse.
Forgiveness is an act of love, a reflection of the ultimate sacrificial love of Christ. It is a decision to change your own heart. It is a decision to free yourself from the prison of your broken heart and mind. The effects of forgiveness do more damage to your mental health and your relationships than they do to the object of your pain.
The heart of forgiveness lies within truth. In order to forgive others, we have to examine ourselves closely. We are often “damaged” in our early years, causing us to subconsciously be drawn to the very same kind of sorrows that began the cycle. When examining our lives, we have to accept responsibility for our part in the events of our lives. Once you have gone far enough back, you will find the original aggressor in your life. Forgiving them for what they did will make it easier to forgive the rest of the aggressors in your life.
There are five tips to forgiving and they are as follows:
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You must have a strong desire to change yourself and your life. Forgiveness requires self-change.
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Get support; be it from a family member, friend, spiritual mentor, or counselor. Remember to seek out a person you can trust who will be honest with you, rather than somebody who will “validate” your feelings and only serve to help you hold on to them.
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Examine your life to discover the original source of the hurt. Forgiveness is part of a healing process that takes time, so don't rush it.
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Be angry! Allow yourself to feel those feelings for a time then let them go. One technique is to write a letter to the person, or people, who you are having a hard time forgiving. Detail your anger, pain, and frustrations. Then burn the letter and say out loud “I forgive you” as many times as you feel you need to until you really feel like you can let it go.
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Forgive yourself. Sometimes the guilt for even being angry lingers so long in the back of your mind that it restricts your ability to forgive. An important part of forgiving is freeing yourself from destructive thinking.
As a child I was abused. For years after I was away from that original aggressor I was still drawn to abusive relationships. Tragedy and sorrow were my constant companions. I wore my “Scarlet D” boldly; I was damaged goods. It has taken me almost thirteen years to finally discover who I was actually mad at. I was mad at my mom for not doing more to protect me, and I was mad at my dad for never being there when I needed him.
I had to come to the realization that I am not a victim of the circumstances of my life. I am not “damaged”, except by the hardening of my own heart. I have responsibility in many of the situations of my life. I am my own aggressor.
Knowing this has made it easier to forgive my parents, as well as other people in my life, and say confidently “I forgive you. I forgive you for all you have done, and will forgive you for all you may do in the future. I choose instead to love you as Christ has called me to.” In turn, I have learned to forgive myself as well, and repent of my hardened heart.
As a people, all people around the world, we must remove our “D” badges. We must burn them, putting them forever away from us. We have to learn how to love our neighbors, no matter what they have done. We have to relearn to show compassion for our enemies, before hate. It is the only way to prevent the imprisonment of our hearts and minds in the destructive nature of hatred. So join me and take off your “D” badge. Let the world know you are not damaged. Free yourself from your prison, and rediscover the heart of forgiveness.
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