A while back a good friend asked me if I have ever considered gathering all of my materials that I use for marriage counseling and binding them into a book. I hadn't considered it. But lately I have been going through them just to see if it might be beneficial. Today's writing is actually an excerpt from that material. It applies especially to marriage relationships, but some parts can also be applied to any relationship.
One of the first questions I ask when beginning to counsel a young married couple is, "Why do you want me, a Pastor, to perform your wedding ceremony" when you can have any justice of the peace do it without the amount of time you will have to spend with me? This ultimately launches us into discussion about how they desire to have a "church" wedding because it's the most traditional form, or their parents would have it no other way... and they sometimes discuss how they want to do the pre-marital counseling because they believe it will help them grow closer together and discover more reasons why they love each other, etc.
Then we go directly from that question to the Gospel. Why? What's marriage have to do with the Gospel, you may ask? Everything. In fact, marriage is one of the great illustrations of the Gospel story (the Good News). If a couple first understands the Gospel, then they will have a good understanding of marriage. On the other hand, if one or neither understand or have put their faith in the Gospel, until they do they will never have a good understanding of marriage and a grasp of what it is intended to be. Everything points back to the Gospel. Everything begins with the Gospel. If we have problems in our relationships, we could spend countless hours trying to deal with all of the issues, and even spend endless dollars hiring counseling services to walk us through all the issues... but until we go back to the Gospel, and get a proper understanding of God, the Good News, and it's implications on our lives... the problems will never be dealt with properly. The Gospel gives us a greater perspective on all of life. It is the lens by which we must see everything else. However, sadly, most people view the Gospel through the lens of the issues of their lives instead of vice versa.
To further illustrate what I am saying... about 5 years ago I began to come to this conclusion after dealing with several issues in youth ministry and feeling like it was a never-ending cycle. I cried out to God, asking Him why it never seemed to stop! If it wasn't one issue it was another. I felt like a pinball machine bouncing back and forth from issue to issue. God spoke, and I eventually realized that if kids were sleeping with their girlfriends it was not a "sex" problem, it was a Gospel problem; if they were smoking pot it was not a drug problem, but a Gospel problem; if they were getting drunk it was not a drinking problem, but a Gospel problem. The Gospel is the heart of the issue... always. It always has been... when we are dealing with sin and the effects of sin... and it always will be until we leave this fallen world.
The real issue is not what we see with our eyes, but what we can't always see. It can be found, however, by asking a question... "Who is Lord?" If I am Lord then I will not seek to serve, but to have others serve me. If I am on the throne, then it will be much easier for me to see the shortcomings of others, and very difficult to see my own. In fact, I will become offended if someone dares to point them out to me. But imagine how differently things might be in a relationship if, with all parties, Jesus is Lord? If Jesus is Lord, all other issues bow down to Jesus. If Jesus is Lord, we both serve Jesus... and in times of adversity we have confidence that Jesus walks through it with us. If Jesus is Lord, we both recognize our humble sinfulness, and therefore have no problem communicating with one another (communication is a whole chapter in and of itself... actually it will be the whole book... it is woven through every aspect of marriage and relationships). But if anything or anyone other than Jesus is Lord (even our spouse), then things in the marriage will have drastically greater potential to get screwed up.
So... in conclusion to this initial conversation with a couple who desires to be married, and to have a Pastor perform the ceremony... I say something like this:
"In the coming weeks we will look at the Scripture and see how God designed marriage to be an illustration of the Good News of the Gospel (His relationship with all of humanity). My prayer is that you would do one of two things... either (1) give serious consideration to responding to the Good News, God's gift of grace and reconciliation in right relationship with Him, and begin to experience the life He always intended for you to have... then you will understand marriage better; or (2) reconsider having a church wedding and a Pastor do the ceremony. If there is no acceptance of the Gospel then a church ceremony is meaningless. And I am not into doing meaningless things these days."
In the case of pre-marital counseling I am always bluntly honest in everything we discuss. We try to hit every crucial issue of marriage... through the lens of the Gospel. I can always tell if couples are not used to speaking in an atmosphere of complete and total honesty. I do everything I can besides force them to be transparent. If they cannot do this with each other (in everything) then they have no business getting married.
This has historically been a difficult concept for Christians to grasp hold of and to ultimately live out. There is so much tension between being "in the world" and being "protected from the evil one." So traditionally we have created many rules to help keep ourselves "protected" from the evil one. And we've struggled so much with being involved in the world... I mean fully involved... without at least some fear that we are being "pulled down" by the evil which lurks all around us.
Now, having said that. Here are some things that I believe regarding church and how we ultimately end up with a “form” for what our church “looks like” in the community in which we live:
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